We had the level two ultrasound and two hours and a genetist later we were to the baby had a skeletal dysplasia. What is that? We soon found out that it is malformation of the skeleton. In our case, Knoah was displaying signs consistent with either Down’s Syndrome or Dwarfism. The Perinatologist told us that it looked like a non-lethal type of dwarfism. NON-LETHAL? Meaning, I could lose my baby? I started at that point making deals with God. I was willing to do anything to give my baby a chance. Although I knew, he had already made his decision. We would soon learn that dwarfism was categorized and subcategorized.

Lethal and non-lethal. Short limbed and short trunk. Returning home that afternoon, I went straight for the computer.I spent hours in front of that screen trying to decipher what I was reading and comparing what I had been told hours before to what was written. My husband was trying to be supportive. He was trying to reassure me, calm me down, be there for me. I felt alone, pregnant with a child I may not ever meet. I was crying inside, my heartbreaking. Wondering why God would allow me this gift only to take it away. I was angry. I was hurt. I was a mom wanting to fight for her child, but couldn’t.

For the next 10 weeks, my husband and I made twice weekly trips to Dearborn for monitoring and ultrasounds. I felt horrible for being a lousy mom to our other two children. Jacob was trying his hardest to not act out, he became mouthy. Hannah just wanted her mom. Our house became a haven. A place where I could be, without anyone seeing my pain. I wanted to hide, I did hide.

I became polyhydraminos. This means excessive amniotic fluid. I ended up with a lot of fluid. I was huge, people would start asking me if I was having twins, them triplets, then I just got stares and sad looks from other women. I was being told I looked miserable, that I looked in pain. I was.

I remember laying in bed one night, I was probably 33 weeks or so. I was praying for the safety of the baby and my family. Greatful for all we had and would recieve. Then I asked the question I wanted to ask. I said to God that if he was going to take the baby, to do it now. I begged to not let me get further into the pregnancy only to have him take the baby later. Don’t let me get attached and then leave me empty handed. I told him if he wanted us to have this challenge, if he wanted to give me this gift, to let me have it. I trust him enough that there was a reason for him to guide us through this journey, to allow us the oppurtunity to do just that. I ended up crying myself to sleep.